How Guides Fail Us

There are guides all over the internet that can help guide you in your quest to be the raddest partner ever. Unfortunately, a lot of these guides give us mixed messages on what it means to be a good partner.

For example: Women are often told ways that they can please their male partner, and ways in which they can prevent themselves from seeming crazy. This assumes a couple of things.

1. Heterosexuality

2. That the purpose of a woman is to please her male partner

3. That sex is a one way encounter

4. That women must work hard to not seem too emotionally needy

5. That women who do have emotional needs are crazy

(And so forth.)

Guides for men often have the guise of “acting” like a good boyfriend to “get what you want” out of the relationship. Compliment her, listen to her feelings, show support on hard days, buy her chocolate and candy when she is feeling sad. It’s not much better than a Valentine’s Day commercial.


I think the best tips for relationships are really tips for being a good person. Everyone – regardless of gender or sexual orientation – should be respectful to their partner. They should listen to them, and be able to communicate openly with them. They should be honest, and trustworthy. They should be clear about their needs and be willing to listen to and hear their partners needs.

The problem is that these are very vague things and most people don’t know the small steps to take. How does one listen honestly and openly? How does one communicate when they are feeling nervous? How does one show someone else that they care in a way that the other person can understand and interpret as “caring”?

These are the things we should be talking about. We shouldn’t be taking one-size-fits-all models of intimacy.

One Comment Add yours

  1. Megan says:

    I agree with everything you have said. Communication,understanding and making an effort to please your partner is so important in a sexual experience. I am fortunate in my choice of partners – I have 2 other female and 3 male Friends with benefits. We all know and cohabit as one on one or as threesomes + etc and enjoy some amazing experiences together in a wonderful and exciting way at times. The fact we all know and understand each other and the likes and dislikes makes our relationships strong. The communication between us must be open and truthful.
    Caring for each other and always understanding our needs and desires is so important as they can and do change and what we do today canbe quite different tomorrow. Love is a strong word and while we respect each other there is a commitment to remain faithful to each other and be open about any desires to enjoy a casual relationship outside the group.
    I agree wholeheartedly with the statement one size does not and cannot fit all – and I don’t mean from the male perspective. Variety is the spice of life – but never overdo it. Share and enjoy the relationship that you can have with some wonderful people. I could never commit to one person and that is why I am what I am a bisexual female that can and does enjoy variety amongst my FWB who fortunately return my concerns and desires in a non selfish way.
    Talk talk talk it does wonders before during and after some wonderful experiences we share together without fear or favour.
    I love this site it is so refreshing to find a person that can and does relate to others as I do without the stigma of being promiscuous.


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