There’s a brief moment when you start having sex for the first time when you realize how many moving parts there are. Magazines tend to avoid these tricky bits and highlight either the extraordinarily sexy (intercourse, orgasm, etcetera) or the extraordinarily awkward (hit my head on the headboard, broke my arm, so forth.) In between those two extremes rests a load of other scenarios which you might find yourself wanting advising on. Here are some that I think are important to know.
These tips are primarily directed towards opposite sex couples but many can be used for same-sex couples as well. While they focus on first-time sexers, some apply to those who are simply having sex with a new partner.
1. How do you begin, and how do you switch positions?
It might seem self explanatory, but if you’ve had little experience, these basic steps can seem daunting. Who inserts the penis? Do you hold it and press it into your partner or does your partner guide it in? What position do you start in? These questions all vary depending on your preference. Mostly, you’ll need to work these things out together, by communicating with one another. Generally whoever is on top can do most of the guiding, though if there is trouble, the other person can assist. This doesn’t have to be an awkward motion and the touch itself can be incredibly sexy.
Switching positions is easy enough. It is possible to continue having sex while you rotate into new positions. Many positions are simply variations of the same position with legs at different angles. If you need to pull apart from one another to switch (missionary to doggy style, for instance, is difficult to do while remaining together) just slide off your partner and let them know verbally or with visual cues where you’re headed.
2. What do you do after ejaculation?
If you are ejaculating into a condom, hold the base of the condom, and slide out of your partner. This prevents the condom from slipping off inside of your partner. (Troublesome for both vaginal and anal sex.) If you are ejaculating in your partner, you might provide them with a towel. If you’ve been ejaculated in, it’s usually a good idea to clean yourself up there, or head to the bathroom to clean up.
Some find that they are susceptible to UTIs if they do not urinate after sex. If you can, drink some water, or pee after cleaning up.
3. What should you keep in your apartment for a casual partner?
Keeping a little pack of items in your room for potential partners can be a lifesaver. The same list can be applied to committed relationships or casual relationships.
– Bottles of water (so you don’t have to walk awkwardly into the kitchen, past potential roommates, to get refreshed)
– Tissues and wipes (placed in the bathroom, opened and available)
– Tampons and pads (if you’re a dude you can say you keep these around for your female friends… opening the package for easy access can make it less awkward)
– Along with the above two, a trashcan. A small trashcan with a lid and a liner. A necessity for every bathroom.
– A spare toothbrush (in a package, not a “some other person probably used this” brush) that they can use if they want. Mouthwash and floss is great too.
– If they’re going to be taking a shower, making sure your accommodations are clean and that you have soap available is a bonus.
4. Who comes first? What if you come first? What if no one comes?
Orgasm can be a point of particular stress for both men and women. Typically, women stress about being unable to orgasm. Men stress about making a woman orgasm and making a woman come first. Why? Men typically have a longer reload time than woman. Your reload time is the time between your ejaculation and when you can become erect again. While a woman may be able to orgasm and continue having sex, a man will (likely) have to wait a period of time before continuing. This is why often times men will attempt to help their female partner get off first.
While this is a good effort, sex is much more complex when it gets down to it. One or both of you may not be able to orgasm. Someone may orgasm first and might not want to continue right away. If no one orgasms you might find yourself hitting a wall where you don’t want to continue having sex, you’re satisfied, or you’re sore.
Though our society pushes the importance of orgasms as the completion of sex – it’s possible to have enjoyable intercourse without an orgasm. If you’re done, you’re done, and it’s okay to say that you had a good time.
This point is a really important one and it is likely that you may still feel some discontent if your partner doesn’t orgasm or if you are unable to orgasm. Recognize those emotions and try to enjoy your sexuality in ways that extend beyond orgasm, or simultaneous orgasms.
5. Is there anything I shouldn’t do the first time we have sex?
Generally speaking, it’s a good thing to stick to the basics when you start having sex. Often times I’ll hear people saying they want to “blow their partners mind” the first time they have sex. It’s important to give yourself time to adjust to your body and your partners body and slowly let loose with more tricks as you get comfortable. This is true with the first time you have sex, and the first time you have sex with a new partner. No matter how many partners you’ve had.
If you’ve had sex before and you consider yourself relatively experienced, but you’re with a new partner, don’t pull out the advanced tricks without consultation. That means no spitting, no slapping their ass, no calling them names, no tying them down or holding them down, and no surprise sex toys. These are things that not everyone likes and, as with sex itself, deserve a conversation, and given consent.
If you’re totally new to sex, focus on exploring the basics, and mastering those, before you move on. That means knowing the anatomy and where it is, being able to stimulate the good-feeling-areas, being able to become aroused and stay aroused, and actually having sex (oral, fingering, intercourse) with little issue. It also involves developing your own sexy persona. Some people are more gentle/tender people. Others find that when they are naked with a partner that they get a bit of a sexy ‘tude going on. Bedroom personalities can differ greatly from that of how you’d behave out of the bed.
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