Question: Ex-Sex Threesome

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Question

My ex boyfriend (lover) about a month ago call it quits. And indicated that he proffered to stay as friends. During our relationship we had talked about fmf threesome, but, nothing happened. I’m bicurious but have never been with another woman. About a week ago he text to ask me about being in a threesome with him and a female friend who is also bicurious. I told my ex that I wanted to meet her and see a picture of her. I’m still waiting… Although I am curious and a little uncertain if I should proceed. A if so, What rules would be appropriate? What could you recommend?

Answer

This has potential for being awesome or awful. But then again, that summarizes most threesomes. Sometimes the chemistry works and sometimes the scenario is just right and sometimes, well, things go wrong. My initial hesitation is that you may still have romantic feelings towards your ex-boyfriend, since he’s the one who called it quitsies, and it’s only been a month. How are the emotions there? Was it amicable? Mutual? Has your friendship remained intact? If you feel that the emotional experience would be too raw (seeing him again, having sex with him again, seeing him have sex with someone else) or if you feel that it might be a possible door to get back together (maybe we can keep doing this, maybe we’ll date again, etc) I wouldn’t do it. 

If you two have remained close friends, and your relationship has always been pretty fluid, open, understanding, and you feel 100% comfortable with the idea of a threesome, it might be a fun experience for you. Having a threesome with someone you are compatible with and comfortable with can be a good experience. I think it’s great to have people you can “play with” off and on that allow fun that is more uncomplicated than complicated.

In general, I would advise against ex-sex, but blanket statements aren’t warm and cozy, and it’s up to you to decide whether or not that’s something that might work. I’ve met some people who would absolutely explode if they were placed in this scenario, as inciting as it might sound. Others have unique relationships that allow them this kind of post-dating flexibility with little issue. I’ve seen it work but it’s not for everyone.

What rules would be appropriate?

That is strictly a decision that the three of you would need to make together. It’s a question everyone who attempts to plan a threesome should think about. If the three of you decide this is something that you’re excited about and want to do together I’d recommend meeting on a non-sexy date once to see how the chemistry is between the three of you. Sexual experiences, I feel, are better off if you actually like the people that you’re with. Intellectual/emotional chemistry can really boost sexual chemistry. Knowing that you feel comfortable with someone makes a big difference, too. This could also be a time to talk about boundaries, concerns, and safety.

I’ve gone back and forth on the overthinking it part of threesomes. I think it’s good to consider comfort and goals, boundaries and safety, but I also think its important to sort of let go and just go into the experience with an open mind looking to have some fun.

Best of luck whichever way you go, and I hope it’s an experience you get to have sometime, even if this isn’t “the” time.

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