Hello, I was wondering if I could ask some questions about asexuality. I sort of suspect, after a few hours of googling, that I am asexual. I’m 20, female, and a virgin, and though I’ve found guys attractive, and I’ve kissed before, sex never seemed appealing. I’ve been spending a lot of time with a guy friend of mine, I care a lot about him, and I love touching/hugging/laying in bed with him, but I can’t imagine having sex with him though I find him attractive. We’ve held hands for a long time which felt really intimate and satisfying…which confused me and I felt like a weird prude. When I asked him if he wants a girlfriend/likes any girls (I haven’t expressed to him how I feel and lied and said that he’s like a brother to me which made him pretty upset so I asked him that in a caring friend way not so much be my boyfriend way), he brought up that he “isn’t looking to have sex with anyone” and there was one hot girl he had sex with but he doesn’t want to again though he could…he also mentioned that he guess he’s too picky (which I thought I was too in the past as the reason for me still being a virgin at 20 for no other reason really). So I’m just really confused. I feel inadequate and like he doesn’t want me. Which makes me really upset and causes me to want to stop talking to him altogether because it hurts. Sorry I don’t mean to sound selfish but I’m just trying to make sense of how I feel. I feel like I want to want him but I’m not quite there yet, but I don’t know if I should try to kiss him because I don’t know if he wants that…sorry if this makes no sense. Also sorry for the rambling, I kind of wanted to give a backstory. My main questions are how can I assess if I am asexual? Based on what I said, do you think I am? Your insight and advice would be so, so appreciated. If you also could please advise me on what to do/say/how to act with my friend, I would be really grateful as well.
It is helpful for me to think of asexuality like any other sexual orientation. Exploration doesn’t necessarily change who you are, but it can help you understand more about yourself. It can be a tricky road for some with lots of bumps in the way. I cannot say whether or not you are asexual anymore than I could tell a woman she was a lesbian. Behaviors are complicated, just like the mind, and they don’t paint a clear picture of whats going on inside.
What I’m trying to say that it’s okay if you don’t have it figured out quite yet. What isn’t okay is feeling pressured to figure it all out right away, or feeling pressured to “fit in” by doing or saying certain things. Do not kiss this guy unless it’s something you really want to do. You can appreciate the intimacy that you have together without wanting to have sex. These things don’t necessarily lead to one another. It could be that your friend is just as happy with what you’re doing as you are.
I do think its important to communicate. If this is becoming a relationship of sorts, its important to talk about how you feel, or your boundaries, particularly if things feel to be progressing physically.
I would recommend getting on boards for asexual communities and asking their direct advice if you feel you need further support. This one looks like a good place to start.
I don’t want to express “you just haven’t found the right person yet” because that’s a silly idea. Perhaps one day someone will come into your life and you will want to explore your sexuality, but perhaps that won’t happen. There are plenty of people out there who express their intimacies in different, non-sexual ways. People are asexual sometimes. That’s perfectly normal and, although it can feel frustrating, or inhibiting, can be empowering if you learn to love yourself just for who you are.
Aside from all that, getting exactly what you want feels good, and doing things you don’t want feels bad. Chase the good.
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