Question: Break Up and Make Up


I recently (about a month ago) broke up with my two partners (we were in a triad) of 2.5 years. I ended the relationship because it was very toxic for me and because I needed some time alone to reconstruct myself. I did not handle the breakup itself as well as I should have so the day after, I sent them both a message apologizing for my behaviour and informed them that I would still like to be friends with them in the future and I would understand that it would take time. Only one of them responded and while he did not close the door on the future interaction/friendship issue, he was still considerably upset about my actions. I have not been in contact with either one of them since and I was considering sending them a line when a few days ago, I saw that they had broken up as well.

I decided that perhaps now is not the best time to renew communication, but I also noticed that he has been posting statuses asking for a place to crash at for a while, and I would be able to give him a place to stay if he needed. So I’m wondering…would it be appropriate to offer a place to stay at if he needed? And would it be a better idea if I waited a month or two and then initiated contact or if I waited until they did? Thank you so much.

I think your initial reaction is the right one. It’s only been a month, and it seems like there is some pain still between the three of you. Not only did you describe your relationship with them as toxic, but it seems like you yourself caused some pain to them. If you break someones heart, you can’t be the one to put it back together. For a relationship as long as yours was, it’s unlikely that the pieces have found their way back together yet.

I am curious why you still have channels of communication open with your exes. If you aren’t talking, why are you still linked in some way over social media? It seems as though it might be difficult to really let go, move on, and grow, if you are still hanging on to those pieces.

Create distance between the three of you. Let them fend for themselves. Move on in your own life and continue that reconstruction process. If and when they reach out to you, see if that is a good time to foster a reconnection. If it feels right. If the intentions seem pure and whole-hearted. In the mean time, I am certain that your ex has other options for housing. It doesn’t seem wise to me to blur those lines.

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