Answer Post: Not-So-Stupid Sex Questions

Last week I asked for people to submit their stupid sex questions. The ones they thought were kind of silly. Things they'd just never asked before. I believe there is no such thing as a stupid question, and appreciated all the questions that were submitted! Feel free to make any further submissions anytime, 24/7, to the top under ask advice. 

Is there anything natural that can be used as lube? Coconut oil? Olive oil? Aloe vera gel?

Absolutely! A lot of people find that the lubricants sold in drugstores are irritating to their skin. The big oils I’ve heard of being used for lubrication are coconut oil and olive oil. Some people use things like vaseline or baby oil. Oil based lubes can be more messy, but they can also be more moisturizing. The big thing to remember when you are using oil based lubricants is that they will degrade the integrity of condoms. Oil based lubricants should not be used with condoms.

A favorite natural lubricant of mine is Sliquid. I have also seen Good lubricant in the condom aisle of drugstores, which may be convenient for those of you who are unable to go into adult stores.

you can get pregnant while you’re on your period right.. but isn’t it less likely?

Yes, and no. It depends on your cycle and when precisely you have sex. For instance, women have different cycle lengths. Some women have a cycle of 28 days, whereas others might have a cycle of 30 or 32 days. Some women may ovulate on their 14th day, some women may ovulate on the 12th or the 15th. Women will be most fertile in the days prior to and during ovulation.

Let’s say I was on day seven of my cycle, still finishing up my period, and I had unprotected sex. He ejaculates in me and his sperm swims up inside of me, survives for a handful of days and eventually makes contact with the egg all at the perfect time.

Having sex based on when you believe you are less fertile (or more fertile, if you’re trying to get pregnant) are called Fertility Awareness-Based Methods of prevention. Some women may combine this awareness with pulling out, or the withdrawal method. Given that there are about seven or so days every month in which you may become pregnant, you should be damn well sure that you know precisely when those days are if you are trying not to get pregnant. You can read more about that [here] and keep an eye out for an extended post I am doing on how to track your menstrual cycle in the near future.

Okay, here’s a silly question for you- what do most girls do to clean up after sex (especially condom-less)? I’ve always just run to the bathroom to rinse off/out at the sink or in the shower, but I’m always hearing about “flowback” and things like special kegels you can do to help eject the sperm so it doesn’t hang around in there, which makes me think other gals are hesitant to just reach a finger up there and scoop it out. Personally I don’t like feeling wet and sticky all day long (or dealing with sticky spots on the bed) but maybe I’m a clean freak, haha. (My husband is no help since he only slept with a few girls before me and can’t remember what they did.)

Everyone will have their own method for this, but I have found that most women don’t really think about the method that they use, or even consider it a method. Most women I know just do what they’ve always done since they started having sex and don’t think too much about it.

For the newbie, flowback is when the semen comes back out of the vagina. If your partner does not immediately pull out of you after sex, or if you were positioned in a way that allowed the semen to go back further into the vagina, it might take longer for the semen to find its way out.

Doing kegels can help press the semen out, but not all women know how to do kegels, or know what kegels are. Reaching a finger up inside of you and scooping it out can be helpful, but if the semen was very liquidy, it might not be particularly effective.

Some women are less concerned with the wet spots on the bed or getting their underwear wet. Others, like yourself, would rather hop out of bed and clean up so they don’t feel sexed up for the rest of day. There is nothing wrong with it, either way.

Ethical non-monogamy means being open and honest with your partners that there should be no expectation of exclusivity? I suppose what I’m trying to get at is: where does “ethical” come into play?

At it’s very most basic, I view the ethical part of ethical non-monogamy as a way to differentiate non-monogamy from infidelity. The ethical indicates that everyone involved with you is aware that you are not being monogamous.

An example of unethical non-monogamy would be infidelity. Some people confuse variations of ethical non-monogamy (such as swinging or polyamory) as infidelity because you are with more than one person.

I think you can also have unethical monogamous relationships, and unethical non-monogamous relationships. Here are some examples.

Ethical non monogamy: You and your partner have been dating for a few months and you decide that you would like to have an open relationship. You both consent to the open relationship and decide to start seeing other people within whatever boundaries (or lack of boundaries) you’ve chosen. You make choices that reflect your respect for the relationship.

Ethical monogamy: You and your partner have been dating monogamous for a few months and have no interest seeing other people. When you are out at the bar and someone asks you to go fuck in the bathroom you decline. You make choices that reflect your respect for the relationship.

Unethical non monogamy: You and your partner have been dating for a few months and have decided to be in an open relationship. You have a set of boundaries but you are constantly going behind your partners back and doing things that go outside of these boundaries. You don’t talk openly to your partner and are frequently arguing. You do not make choices that reflect your respect for the relationship.

Unethical monogamy: You and your partner have been dating for a few months but you really want some on the side. You asked your partner if she was interested in an open relationship and she said she was not. You decide that your happiness is important and no one will get hurt if you occasionally have some on the side without telling her. You do not make choices that reflect your respect for the relationship.

I’ve been chatting with this guy for awhile, someone I would just be meeting for casual sex. In our chats he’s mentioned several times about having sex with me without condoms. I am not on any birth control, nor do I plan to be, so condoms are a must for me. Not just for pregnancy avoidance but for safety as well. He just asked if he could cum in my ass. I know there is a chance the cum could seep into my vagina from there, thus creating a chance for pregnancy. BUT how likely is that to happen? If we clean up right away, is that good enough to eliminate the risk of it reaching my vagina? Any guidance is much appreciated! Thank you!

I can’t give you a particular likelihood of it happening. The anus and the vagina are pretty close together. For pregnancy to occur the semen would need to seep out of the anus and into the vagina. To minimize the possibility of this happening, lay in a position that would keep the semen from reaching the vagina. Make sure that he doesn’t touch his penis to your vagina when pulling out. Stand up and try to wipe back the semen that comes out as much as you can. Go to the bathroom if you need to go to the bathroom. It is unlikely that pregnancy would occur from anal sex if you are careful.

I would inquire further about STDs (ask when he was last tested and what he was tested for) and I would also ask why he doesn’t want to use condoms. I would reckon that not many people enjoy condoms. That’s not necessarily the point of condoms. You use them because you don’t want to get pregnant and you want to protect yourself. Decide for yourself if condoms are a necessity for you or not. Enjoy.

Is it possible to be too wet to have sex? 

Great question! Is wetter better? When a woman gets aroused her vagina will expand to better allow penetration. Normally, the walls of the vagina are collapsed on one another. The vagina gets itself ready for sex by growing in size, and self-lubricating. The blood flows down there and things become sensitive to the touch.

Some women will produce more lubrication than others. Some medications will make it more difficult to get wet. One benefit of getting very wet is that penetration will happen more easily, and more comfortably. One downside of getting super wet is that it might prevent some friction.

The benefit of not getting as wet is that you can easily add further lubrication. The downside is that not being as wet might mean that you are not fully aroused. You won’t be able to experience penetration at random. You might experience pain if you try to have sex and aren’t wet enough.

It’s not possible to be too wet to have sex. There are benefits to producing a lot of lubrication, and there are benefits to having lubrication added as needed.

How would you have a conversation about opening your relationship without your partner thinking you want to leave them?

I think a good first step is understanding both:

1. Why you want to have an open relationship

2. What an open relationship is and how to have one

That first question can be answered in part by number two. Seek out literature on open relationships and polyamory to learn more about how it works. This will help you find an answer to number one (or to better articulate the reasons you already have) and it will allow you to answer any potential questions your partner might have.

People open their relationships for all kinds of reasons. Sit down in a comfortable, low-pressure environment, and talk to your partner about what exactly you want to experience and why. Tell them what you have read and why you think it would be exciting to do it. Strengthen the idea that this is not because you don’t like them or anything like that. You are satisfied and you would like to add to that by _____ together.

For some people, especially if they grew up in more traditional/conservative families, it might take time to even accept listening to the idea. Give them time to react and soak up the idea. They may or may not take to it. This isn’t necessarily a conversation you are going to have in one sitting.

Consider reading more about it together, writing down what your ideal relationships would look like, or what your ideal experiences would look like. Then, compare. Consider opening your relationship as a journey, not a decision.

2 Comments Add yours

  1. meggsy1 says:

    Wonderful answers. You are a very practical woman.


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