I got out of a toxic relationship a few months ago. I thought that I wasn’t a perpetrator of that kind of behaviour , but just the other day, my ex informed me that I had been behaving in a toxic manner towards him for about a year and that because of this he didn’t want to talk/hang out with me anymore. I told him I understood if he cut me out of his life (because that’s what you have to do sometimes) but it would be lovely if he could give me another chance. He said ‘we’ll see’. What would be your advice on redeeming oneself in this sort of situation?
Without further information on who the two of you are, and what exactly the toxic behavior was, I have a few thoughts. First and foremost, did your partner really stay with you for an entire year without engaging in a single conversation about your behavior?
It seems to me that when you are in a partnership it is useful to have conversations about the health of the relationship if you are interested in helping the relationship grow and thrive. Without that conversation, I question whether your partner may have simply gotten fed up with the relationship, and decided to leave for their own mental health. Did you find toxic issues that he had within the relationship as well? Did you feel happy, satisfied, respected?
If he did simply leave the relationship because he wanted out, redemption is not going to make a huge difference. After singling out the issue that was toxic and focusing on repairing that issue, you would need to agree on ways to communicate and work together to make a healthier relationship in the future. Given that your ex-partner is not sure that this is an option, I find it unlikely that they desire the same reconciliation that you do.
If you believe that they were accurate and the behavior was toxic, I would find it a better use of your time to focus on yourself and healing your own internal pains. Make these changes for yourself, make them to better yourself, make them to be a happier person.
If that crack can be healed within yourself, and within the relationship, its possible to take slow steps towards exploring one another again. If you both work together, communicate openly, treat one another with respect, and genuinely feel that this relationship is worth fighting for.
It won’t work unless you both want that.
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