I Love You, Dildo: Why I Can’t Throw Away My Toys

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For the last year or so I have been thinking about my relationship with sex toys. Having had reviewed so many for my blog I’ve had the opportunity to create a collection worthy of a small dresser. Toys of all shapes and sizes, a toy for almost any type of stimulation you could think of.

Last year I made my biggest purge yet and threw away a good fifth of my collection. Toys that I hadn’t used, toys that had broken in some way, or toys that were made of a material that I no longer enjoyed touching. (I’m talking to you, jelly.) Yet now I find that the toys I do have sit alone all the same. Sometimes I pull them out and clean them and appreciate their craft and beauty but, aside from that, they have become not much more than pieces of art tucked away in my closet.

I wondered why I’d kept so many toys that I had no intention of using again. I wondered why I had bought or requested so many of them in the first place. I’ve never been a heavy toy user and I wondered if other women were.

Is there really a stereotypical Sex and The City woman out there who cherishes her Rabbit Vibe to the point of storing it awkwardly under her pillow at night? Do women make and keep real connections with their toys?

I remember the first toy I ever bought and what it signified to me. A sexual liberation, a sexual freedom, a sexual education. I had moved past the fumbling of fingers and the strange mechanics of an anatomy that had never been explained. In this way, the toy was the reward I gave myself for understanding just enough to use it.

It was this hard plastic purple thing with little knobs around the sides. My knowledge of sex or penises was so limited at that point I expected that the use of it must be at least a little bit like sex. Yet, at the same time, using it didn’t feel at all like I thought it would. Is this what it’s all about? Is this representative of sex, really? I thought the toy was a reward but the toy was just chapter two. I had so much further to go and so much more to learn. I was in awe of the fact that some people hadn’t started the same education yet. Or, worse, that somehow people were having sex without ever going through these slow and tedious steps of discovering themselves.

First the toy was this thing, this object. As I grew I could identify it’s valuable bits and pieces. Why certain materials were good or bad. How a toy ought to curve or bend. Vibrating toys vs. non-vibrating toys. Length vs. girth vs. the shape of the thing and where you ought to put it. And from there my collection grew, with me in wonder at all the ways a toy could work. But no other toy lent me so much as that first hard plastic one did. It didn’t give me the excitement of sex, but it gave me the knowledge to find it.

I keep my toys in my closet because they are reminders of lessons, and I’m a sentimental bastard. Each one a memory of something different I learned. About sex, of course, but about myself too. Lessons of patience and pleasure and sometimes anger and loneliness. I have never felt such a connection to a toy that I ought to name it and let it take the place of a partner of mine, but I have found small soft places in my heart for what they taught me.

Some people might use toys as a regular part of their advanced and knowledgeable sex lives. Some people might be like me and use them as steps to get somewhere else. Whatever your use for toys, temporary or permanent, I feel that they lead a valuable role in the development and structure of sexuality.

4 Comments Add yours

  1. Toys are tools. Almost every human activity, work, sport or leisure, uses tools. Sex is one of the few things we can do without uh, additional, tools, and that’s great, but we use forks instead of eating with no tools, so what’s the still-too-hush-hush big deal about a vibrator or a collar? Yep, you’re right on.

    Like

  2. meggsy1 says:

    A tool is an implement to assist you complete a task.
    A sex tool is just that, it assists you to perform self satisfaction or to allow mainly women to complete a sex act with another woman eg a strap on penis or similar device like a Fuzo Tango (My favourite )

    Like

    1. ST says:

      I remember reading this, I think you linked it somewhere before! I like it.

      Like

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