Hi, I’ve read your blog on various platforms for years, thank you for all the time and effort and energy and wisdom you put into it. So I asked some questions about having sex for the first time before (didnt happen tho lol) and you answered them so thoroughly (thank you) I was wondering is there a way I can easily access all your posts on the topic?
Thank you! If I have answered a question of yours before or you’re looking to read back on something I’ve already written, your best bet is the search feature. You can type in keywords and hopefully and the post you’re looking for. I highly recommend that unless you’re looking for a particular post that you ask again. As my knowledge grows and expands, so do my responses. Some of the responses I gave in the past may not currently reflect the advice I would give now. I have no problem answering the same questions over and over again if people want to hear it!
Also, (I’m a female) and I’m concerned about how I’ll feel afterwards (having sex for the first time) more than anything. Right now I think I am “chill” about the whole situation, but the guy I want to have sex with was all, “don’t get attached” which pissed me off to no end.
I really like him but I think he has some issues (a year ago he wouldn’t even let me hug him? he flinched when i brushed against him while we were walking… like we’ve slept in one bed before and he never tried anything). It’s really hard for us to communicate, we’re always thinking the other is saying something terrible when we’re not. I am always clueless as to what he’s thinking/feeling – sometimes he spends his last money (he’s a freelancer) to come spend one day with me (I moved away for college) sometimes he won’t call for a week.
I tried dating and finding someone who isn’t so exhausting to be with, but I just don’t want to spend time with any other guy right now, and I don’t want to kiss or have sex with anyone else. I’m not trying to be all, 2getha 4eva but for the present moment, and the past couple of months, that’s how I’ve felt. But I want him to want me and with him I’m always insecure and second guessing myself, feeling replaceable, probably to no fault of his but my own. My friend suggested I first have sex with someone else so that I don’t get attached to him and so that I have some practice/have something to compare sex with him to, and that sounds like a good idea but I just donttt want anyone else no matter how hard i’ve tried. And last time when we were together and it was progressing towards happening, I told him I don’t want him to have sex with anyone else, and doesn’t he care if I do, and he was all I don’t care, which also pisses me off.
I don’t know how to talk to him without appearing clingy, I don’t want him calling more often or texting me good morning and good night, but I do want to be the only one making him feel that good. At the end of the night he was like, I’m not going to give you a kiss goodbye. I didn’t even lean in or anything?!?! I just don’t get it he says these things and I feel like he’s always in control. But I wasn’t even acting clingy and I could just be like fuck it and have sex with him but I think that if I found out he had sex with someone else after it’d really fuck me up mentally.
Also I wanted him to get tested so I could just use pills as contraception and not condoms but he doesn’t want to do that. I have no idea how to buy condoms and which to buy and I wanted to have sex without them but ugh I just don’t like that I have to put in all this effort when other guys would do it for me. I tried asking him straight up how he feels about me but that just ends badly, when I don’t put him on the spot then he does and says really nice things but they are still not definite and I’m just going crazy.
Sometimes he’ll say hurtful things on purpose and then I will do the same and I understand how unhealthy this relationship is but I want to ride it out and experience it so any advice you could give me would be so so so greatly appreciated.
I can in no way endorse that you have sex with or date this guy. If you can, remove him entirely from your life. He refuses to get tested, he clearly doesn’t respect you, and he’s emotionally abusive. I don’t know who you are but I can say without hesitation that whoever you are, you deserve more than this for your first (or second, or third, or any) sexual encounter.
Developing healthy relationships early on is important. So is recognizing unhealthy relationships. It seems like you know that this relationship is unhealthy which is a big first step. The second step is wanting to get away from it enough and having the support you need to get away from it.
Whether or not you have other sexual experiences outside of him, my only firm advice would be to not pursue any sort of relationship with him. It sucks to be hung up on someone who is not equally passionate about you, or the relationship you want to have. I understand not being able to be interested in anyone else while you have these feelings for him. What doesn’t change are the negative things about him that you listed above, and your feelings that he has issues, which I would say is an understatement.
For your safety and sanity, mental health, sexual health, physical health in general, I highly advise that you try your damnedest to take a few steps back and find someone worth your time.
Find a partner you can explore sex with who actively engages with you. A partner who doesn’t make you feel like shit. A partner who doesn’t ignore you. A partner who talks to you openly about sexual health. Who doesn’t refuse to get tested but actively provides his results. A partner who wants to know what kind of birth control you’re on and provides condoms at the ready. Find a partner that makes you feel warm inside, not one that makes you feel like you have to play games to get a reaction. There are a shit ton of opportunities out there for bad relationships, and bad sexual experiences, but the good ones are worth waiting (and looking) for.
Love and luck,
Have a question about sex or love? Gender? Sexuality? Kink? Monogamy or Non-Monogamy? Submit your question to the top by hitting ask advice and I’ll answer it on my blog.