Asexuality: How do you know?


Is it possible to not want to have sex with anyone else, just yourself? Recently I’ve been trying to find people to have sex with and I when I do, I find it very unsatisfying. I’m sure the first thought that comes to mind is it’s probably the person I was with and that I just need to find the right person. That might be true, but I’m starting to wonder if it’s just that I don’t feel the need to be with anyone else. When I hear people talk about their need to be someone else and how amazing it is…it just doesn’t seem as appealing to me as they make it sound. Does this mean I could be asexual? I’m just trying to figure out how much I should keep trying to find “the right” people to have sex with or if I should just give up and stick with myself. I KNOW you can’t answer that question, that’s on me. But any insight you can give about asexuality or whatever it is, I would appreciate it. Thank you!

I would be curious to know what kind of experiences you already have with sexual partners other than yourself. In your question you only note that those experiences have been unsatisfying. The situation that came to mind was that you’re looking for a pleasurable sexual experience via casual sex (as the quickest route to such experiences) and have been completely underwhelmed with what you’ve seen.

This is not unusual. For many people, the emotional intimacy is what highlights the sexual chemistry. Simply: if you don’t dig someone, the sex isn’t going to set off any fireworks. I would imagine that most people who has sought out pleasurable sex have had at least one experience like this – where the sex feels more mechanical than pleasurable, more of a mashing of bodies than some sort of ethereal experience.

This isn’t to say that one needs some emotional bond prior to having sex, but for many people, it can make all the difference.

Aside from the chemistry you might feel with a potential partner, it’s also helpful to remember that the more often you are with someone, the better they will learn your body, and how to get you off. If you feel your body does not respond very easily to stimulation (or you are slow to warm) this may make it more difficult for a short-term or single-time partner to get you off, or even turn you on. On the other hand, you know yourself very well, and may be able to make that switch very easily.

This does not mean that if you have zero sexual attraction with someone that you should continue just to see if it gets better. Do not press outside of your own comfort zones.

Instead, I’d recommend that you continue to do your own thing. If you find someone that you’re interested in romantically, pursue that, and see if you reach a point where you’re interested in crossing over into sexual intimacy. If this desire fails to show – it’s possible that you may find asexuality as something you identify with. You may or may not have already reached that point.

There are a lot of resources on asexuality on the internet. I would recommend reading up on asexuality and asexuality awareness to see if you identify with those narratives.

I feel that there is an understandable desire to categorize oneself and to find a place of belonging when you feel that you don’t quite fit in with others. I would at least briefly resist the urge to put a label on yourself, and give yourself the freedom to simply feel out where you’re at.

Are you asexual? Have you already been through this process  or something similar? Leave your comments in the box below.

Do you have a question about sex or love? Submit at the top by hitting ask advice and I’ll answer it on my blog.

One Comment Add yours

  1. question asker says:

    You are correct in your assumption. Have been trying to find a repeating casual sex partner and have had no success. It’s leaving me feeling unsatisfied and kind of horrible about myself. I appreciate your advice, it all makes sense to me. And your last paragraph hit the nail on the head. I feel very lost and I’m trying find my place. I’ll keep up the search. Thank you!


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