i think i may have messed myself up for life. i started masturbating as a teenager and now i cannot have an orgasm without clitoral stimulation (for a long time too) i love my husband but vaginal sex is just not as pleasurable as clitoral sex. is there anything i can do to remedy the situation. and yes, there are times that i will provide the clit stim during penetration. but i was hoping that i could learn a way to have an orgasm through vaginal stim. is this possible?
You absolutely did not mess yourself up. Everything you said sounds precisely run of the mill, i.e. you are perfectly normal 🙂
Women often masturbate by stimulating their clit because it is packed with the highest number of nerve endings. It’s pretty common for women to masturbate primarily by stimulating their clit because it just happens to feel the best. Though it is possible to have an orgasm without direct clitoral stimulation (through things like anal play, or nipple play) I reckon that most female bodied orgasms are a result of clitoral stimulation. In fact, even when your partner is penetrating you, he’s likely rubbing up against the body of your clit in some way that adds to your overall arousal.
So even though its a “vaginal orgasm” (an orgasm led on through stimulation of the vagina) its somewhat misleading to say your vagina was stimulated to make you orgasm. It’s probably a whole number of things. Your vagina being stimulated, your clit being stimulated, your g-spot being stimulated, the weight of his body on top of you and the arousal you get from that, any kissing or touching of your whole body, any potential dirty talk you might exchange, and so forth.
There is rarely just one thing that contributes to an orgasm. A whole bunch of different factors coalesce and bam, fireworks.
It is also not unusual for the female orgasm to take significantly longer than the male orgasm. I’m not sure what “a long time” means, but depending on other variables, you could be stimulating your clitoris for a solid hour before you orgasm.
A couple things that can vary the amount of time you’re having sex:
1. Mental arousal: If you are very mentally aroused, you are more likely to respond to the physical, if you’re less mentally aroused, you’re less likely to respond to the physical. That means if you really get in the right headspace before sex you may find that it’s easier to orgasm. If your head is all over the place and you’re not in the moment, it’s going to take longer to orgasm.
2. Having the right environment: For some people, environment makes a huge difference in how they feel during sex. That could mean where they’re having sex, the lighting, the temperature, the music, any other visuals or smells. Things that influence your senses will influence the kind of sex you’re having. Things that arouse you will help bring you into the right state of mind quicker.
There are also positions you can share with your partner that stimulate the clit more directly. In missionary or cowgirl, explore various angles so that his body presses or rubs against your clit with each thrust. You may or may not want to add lubrication to help it feel more slick. Once you find that position, grinding together can give you a more intense version of what it feels like when you’re touching your clit yourself.
Yes, and continue playing with yourself. I’m not sure why we’ve attached some shame to that, but sex is about feeling good, and if you want to reach around and play with your clit I think you should do it. You could also tell him to do it for you, or grab a small vibrator. Other toys like vibrating cock rings can also provide added clitoral stimulation during sex that may or may not help you reach an orgasm.
Bottom line: have your sigh of relief. It is possible to have enjoyable penetrative sex, but you have to be willing to explore that it might not look like what you thought it looked like. Be open to finding new ways to include clitoral stimulation in your penetrative sex by communicating with your partner what positions feel best. Remember that mental arousal and different types of stimulation before penetrative sex can help everything feel more sensitive. And remember that figuring out what feels best is half the fun of having sex, so enjoy it along the way.
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