Talking Dirty 101: Why, When, How?

Dirty talk can be a foundational part of sex for some people. But why? What exactly does talking dirty contribute to sex? Why would someone want to talk dirty? And how can one prevent it from sounding so damn awkward?

Dirty talk can set the mood and boost arousal

Mental arousal can be a big deal for some people. The more you set the environment, the more they’re going to feel physically aroused. Dirty talk can easily be considered environment. If your partner is completely silent, that sets a much different tone than if your partner is whispering something kinky in your ear.

What is dirty talk?

Dirty talk can be sweet, it can be sexy, it can be kinky or filled with fetish. My favorite description of dirty talk comes from Dan Savage, I believe. Dirty talk is what you want to do, what you’re doing, and what you just did. Generally speaking, people tend to avoid using anatomical language like ‘vagina’ and sex it up a bit with words like dick, and pussy. Language like this is not necessary for dirty talk, though.

For example:

What you want to do – I want you to be inside me / I want to be inside you.

What you’re going to do – I’m going to move very slowly so you don’t come.

What you just did – Do you want me to lick you again? / Do you like it when I spank you?

You can also try:

– Pet names or use of actual names

I love you ____

Baby you’re so ____

– Requests for what you want to do

Will you flip me over so we can ____ .

Keep doing _____ that feels really good.

Focusing on things that are actually happening allows the dirty talk to flow more naturally. This is super important because it prevents the dirty talk from feeling forced, or fake.

How do I ask my partner to dirty talk to me?

Try to avoid asking your partner to talk dirty to you while you are already having sex. This can provoke an opposite reaction to the one you intended. It takes your partner out of the mood and forces them to think of something to say, which might not be a natural thing for them to do. This can decrease arousal and make your partner feel pressured or awkward.

Instead, talk to your partner about dirty talk when you are in a comfortable and intimate space. Maybe while you are in bed together or at the end of the evening when you’re both relaxed. Express an interest in being more vocal when you are having sex.   If the what you just did, what you’re going to do, and what you want to do doesn’t work, there are other things to try.

Dirty talk can be instructional

As mentioned above, you can throw in requests for what you’d like to do as dirty talk. In fact, most requests during sex should in some way contribute to the overall sexiness of the sex. This excludes asking your partner to stop or other safe words that are implemented prior to having sex.

However, things like:

– You want your partner to go down on you

– You want your partner to shift in your current position

– You want to change positions entirely

– You want your partner to kiss you somewhere

– You want your partner to touch you somewhere

– You want your partner to be rougher or more gentle

These things can all be communicated in ways that end up directing your partner and boosting the arousal. Learning how to communicate in this way can allow you to have more pleasurable sex with your partner. It can allow you to be consistently on the same page with one another.

Dirty talk might be time dependent

Have you ever tried watching porn just after or just before being aroused? If you’re not turned-on, things that are slightly kinky can run the opposite effect and actually turn you off. If you just had an orgasm and the last thing you’re thinking about is sex, it can be hard to hear your partner talk dirty to you.

For others, hearing someone talk dirty can turn them on. It is important to learn how your partner feels about these things. If you’re unsure, just ask them.

Not everyone is interested in dirty talk

Dirty talk flies on a spectrum. Anywhere from I love you baby to suck my dick you dirty cum slut. Some people have a preference to keep things light. Some people like it turned all the way up to 11. Often times, it depends on their mood. Do you always want your sex to be slut-time? Or do sometimes you want to go totally silent, and just go with it? It is important to tell your partner how you feel about dirty talk in general but also to briefly discuss what kind of sex you’re looking to have before you have it. For instance, if you’re looking to have rough sex and be degraded a bit, you may request this from your partner. They may or may not be in the same mood. If you are interested in making love, a softer more gentle sex, you might want to express this at the start.

Whether you enjoy a softer sex-talk or a dirtier sex-talk, how we use our voices during sex can make a big difference in our states of arousal. Learn to control this to the best of your abilities.

Do you have a question about sex or love? Submit at the top by hitting ask advice and I’ll answer it on my blog.

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