Q: How can I have better sex at 65?

You requested ideas: Well, perhaps outside the parameters of your usual discussions and probably way outside the expectations of your readers, I don’t believe you have written about issues of older, 65+ population. i.e, loss of interest/ desire, desire but difficulty due to reduced stamina, the aches and pains of growing older, arthritis, muscle pains , real or perceived medical issues.etc. loss of intimacy. Well, there’s a whole new thesis for you

Well, I’ll tell you part of the reason why that is. I try to write about things I know about, and on the list of things I don’t know much about are the struggles that come with being over 65! In truth, none of my course work has covered this, either. Though many of my classes touched on other intersections like gender, race, and class, there was minimal to no attention given to age.

Not beyond “this is the history of sex” anyways.

Which is a bummer, because the questions you ask are super important ones. There is still an inherent ageism in sexuality. We assume that once you reach a certain mysterious age a button clicks off and you don’t think about sex anymore, don’t have sex anymore, become a sexless being. Which of course isn’t true, and just about as dangerous as assuming all sex is heterosexual or no one has sex until they’re 18. It gives room for people to make risky decisions, it gives room for people to hurt themselves, and it doesn’t offer up a support system.

Find a support system. Even if you’re 50, or 60, or 70. Your concerns about how your body is changing as you get older should be voiced. With your doctor, sure, but maybe also with your friends, or other people your age. “Hey, is this normal, does this happen to you too? What do you do about this?”

Given that I wasn’t born until 1988 I’m sure this is a generational issue. People my age might be talking about it, but I’m not sure about people who were born in the 30s, the 40s. You tell me.

I do know that some people are talking about it. There are great writers out there writing about ‘ageless sexuality’ as one author, Joan Price, puts it. Her books sound right up your alley.

Other books about sexuality may touch on the basics of keeping it together

A lot of it has to do with learning what your body is capable of. Focusing on each individual concern one at a time. For instance, if the body isn’t able to produce as much lubrication anymore, buying a really nice bottle of lube to keep by the bed. If it pains you to hold your hips up a certain way, using a pillow or a liberator cushion under the hips. Intimacy is a big one, something that may require lots of time and effort on both parts. There are a ton of books out there about awakening the intimacy in your relationship.

I would suggest starting with ‘better than I ever expected’ by Joan Price. I read this book most recently and learned a lot from it. See if it rings true for you. And reach out to other books about sexuality. (I have a fuller list on my resources page.) If there is one subject in particular you’d like me to give more attention to, please resubmit. I’d love to go further in depth. For instance: Is there a specific loss of intimacy you feel? What does it look like? When does it happen? How would you describe your reduced stamina? What types of sex do you have, and how do you have them? How would you like to have them? I could go on for days about each of these things but only with more detail about you.

Until then, know this: sexuality is ageless, and if theres anyone out there who has given up, its time to try again.

Do you have questions about sex or love? Submit at the top by hitting ask advice and I’ll answer it on my blog. This week I am focusing on questions about relationship satisfaction.

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