Okay, so. Like any good stream of consciousness, I’m going to start from the middle. We had a girls night, we talked about sex and love. Fade to black. Light one candle. Talk in a spooky voice.
We’re in the fort and we’re all drunk and covered in the smell of pizza. My gin is completely gone except for a courtesy slug (good work, t) and there are so many beer bottles in the kitchen it looks like a fraternity (fist bump.) Except we’re all girls, so a sorority. I’m pulling off old stereotypes. Someone belches.
I’m so content where I’m sitting that I start writing on the back of my “speak french!” day calendar. I’m shamelessly using the conversation as blog fodder. I lean over “Can you read this? Sometimes I take notes when I’m drunk and then realize the next day that none of it makes sense.” They say they can read it. I keep scribbling into the margins until theres no room left and then I reach over and I grab our cocktail book and flip to the back cover. This conversation feels too important to do things like stand up, leave blanket fort, look for composition notebook. This is a write-on-whatever-is-writeable moment.
THE PROCESS OF BREAKING UP IS INHERENTLY HURTFUL
You’re in a long term relationship with someone that you love, what is more likely:
a. you’ll realize one day that you don’t like them anymore and you’ll tell them because you don’t want to drag out those negative feelings
b. you’ll slowly realize over time that you’re unsatisfied and you’ll spend months trying to reconcile these feelings because this person is really important to you
That’s just it, isn’t it? Neither of these are that awesome. If you go option a, your partner is left swimming alone, wondering where you went, and what the fuck happened. If you choose option b, you’re still swimming with your partner, you’re just both peeing in the water and blaming the other person when it gets hot. There is no good way to leave someone. There are just lots of really bad ways to leave someone, each with their uniquely painful side effects.
How do you know when you want to leave someone? You realize you have nothing in common. You realize you don’t really want to be around them. You realize it’s kind of awkward to be around them. You realize that one partner is trying harder than the other. You realize that they aren’t trying to become a part of your life, they’re just absorbing you into theirs. You realize you have to be the mediator for them, they can’t be trusted to talk to your friends or family on their own. You realize that you’re being gaslit, put off, blamed, tricked, tomfooleried. And, frankly, you might find yourself one day looking up in awe because you’re actually making a bullet list of all of the things that you don’t like about your relationship. Or, worse, you’re making a list of all of the things you don’t like about your relationship but the list is titled “reasons I’m in love” and you’re just fooling yourself into thinking negatives are positives. Fuck, man.
WHAT IF YOU’VE SAID YES WHEN YOU WANTED TO SAY NO?
Here’s the scenario: you’re in a situation where you have two options, have sex, or don’t have sex. You’re pretty sure you don’t want to have sex because you don’t really like this person and you’re not really attracted to them and you’re actually feeling kind of tired. But, you say yes anyways, because, well, you’ve internalized some pressure. You should say yes to this because it’s going to be a fun experience. You should say yes to this because having casual sex is exciting and you’ll have a good story. You should say yes to this because your friends have all encouraged you to live on the wild side. You should say yes to this because the person you want to be would say yes to this. You should say yes to this because you’ve given them every sign that you were going to say yes and now you’re at your apartment or their apartment and it’s time to pay up on all those affirmations you’ve made.
Of course, you should probably say no, but you do say yes. And this person you’re sleeping with would be perfectly happy with you saying no. This is a good person, right? They’re asking you if you’re sure, they’re being respectful of your boundaries, and while you’re thinking about where else you’d rather be you’re still saying yes. We should talk more about this sometime because it can be really harmful to be your own worst enemy. To not feel safe enough with yourself that you can say what you’re really thinking or feeling. How can you balance the desire to want to try new things with the desire to say no when actually, you’re not feeling it and that’s okay!?
So I came up with a lot of new questions like:
- Have you ever done something you didn’t want to do because you pressured yourself into it?
- Do you tend to leave your relationships early or late? Why?
- How do you define kink and how do you mesh that with what your partner thinks kink is?
- What is something unique about your sexual or romantic identity? Why should other people know more about that thing?
- What does it feel like when you feel jealousy? The next time you feel jealous, write down the thoughts that go through your head.
Feel free to think about them on your own, journal about them, or leave your responses in the comments section.
Have a question about sex or love? Submit at http://www.suggestivetongue.com/ask and I’ll answer it on my blog.