Q: I’m toxic, he’s toxic. Only with each other.

on

Weve been together for 4 years and 8 months. Im toxic. Hes toxic. Only with eachother. We are very pleasant when we arent miserable. I think im worse than he is though. His mom did everything for him growing up-she picked out all his clothes and made his plate and served it to him, cleaned his room and washed his dishes. So i had to teach him EVERYTHING. This quickly became a burden for me. I started getting frustrated at him not knowing or not plugging two and two together or not seeing something directly in front of his face. I started bitching everytime he did something stupid or being unable to double task. This made him MASSIVELY insecure. Scared to tell me anything. Totally walking on eggshells around me. After while of that he started getting pissed off at me when i bitch. I dont give a rip so he started lecturing me for hours. I was emotionally unresponsive so hed throw .Psycho. tantrums. I learned that he was punching himself and hitting himself with a walking stick(hed done it through childhood). He stopped hitting himself since i told him i would leave him if he ever did it again. Now a year or so later we are still bitching and fighting and hating. Ill learn a lesson and then a month later he starts doing what i was doing and then he learns the lesson. We run in circles. We were staying in an apartment on his parents property, and they recently kicked us out(Im almost 22 and hes almost 23). I did ALL of the work except for 3 large bookshelves and some last remaining dishes. He was conveniently absent the week it took me to move us out. We got into a really big fight over that. He moved out the rest of the furniture and two months later those dishes are still there untouched. A couple years ago he made me quit my job and stay home, and that lasted for a year, i feel indebted to him. After all of this fighting and one-sided work ive crashed. Crying for a week straight . Ive been bitching and hes been immature. Ive stopped moving, stopped eating and drinking. He started doing all of the cooking and the laundry. But things are stacking up. He doesnt do the dishes or put things away. It really bothers me that i can take care of us and the house by myself and him not touch me or do anything special or intimate. But since ive crashed he cant hold things together. Or get himself together for our relationships sake. I know i can change but i distrust him. Hes not as strong as me. Heres the kicker. Our goals, dreams, ideals, morals, and hearts are exactly aligned. Aside his genetic lack in muscle definition being physically unattractive to me(Which prohibits me from wanting kids with him), we both can see each other together until the end. I love who he is, but i hate what he can become. And i know he feels the same way about me. We want to fix things, but i feel utterly hopeless. I just want to run away from this madness. I can be absolutely happy if i leave. But i feel like it might be best to work through this even though im absolutely defeated and depressed. I dont know when the breaking point for such insanity should be. Ive been so abusive the i should have left him a long time ago for HIS sake. He refused because im his first love. But i destroyed him. I dont know what to do.

Reader, I feel like you already know the answer to your question, and you are trying to find another way.  If I may, here are some direct quotes.

Im toxic. Hes toxic. Now a year or so later we are still bitching and fighting and hating. I know i can change but i distrust him.  Aside his genetic lack in muscle definition being physically unattractive to me. I just want to run away from this madness. I can be absolutely happy if i leave.

You have been with this person since before you were 18 years old. This is likely the only person that you know, truly, as a romantic partner. It is so hard to leave our first love. But love is not enough to sustain a relationship. Neither is “wanting the same things.” It sounds like you have reached an impasse. A moment where progress is no longer possible. It seems that you have been trying for years to make this relationship be the way you want it to be. If you have been together for 4-5 years, how many years of your relationship were simply peaceful, enjoyable, happy? You are only toxic with one another – isn’t this the toxicity that impacts you most as a couple? Shouldn’t this statement be one of high importance?

You are both exhausted. You cannot see a future with him. Not one where you have children together, not one where you experience joy in mutual sexual attraction, not one where you are trusting and kind. You know that you can be happy without him but you also seem to know that you cannot be happy with him. Do not feel defeat. Not all relationships are meant to last forever. Do not feel guilty. It was not your job to make it last forever in spite of all of this.

Sometimes it feels like leaving is the hardest thing you could ever do but maybe staying is the hardest thing you could ever do. If every day feels like a battle and you’re not even sure what future you’re fighting for, why are you fighting?

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